Why are you making me cry?

I don't know how I managed to get loved and cheated on within the space of two days.

And how did I manage to get cheated on when I'm not even attached and didn't know what I wanted. Doesn't make it hurt any less though.

I don't cry alot or anything. It's just this perpetual dull ache. Or like when I'm walking across the field and the sun is shining so bright and the first song that plays on my ipod is one of yours, two tears escape and make their way down.

I know I said I'm not angry anymore. But comes a new day and it resurfaces. You feel so tainted.

I hate how you didn't even avoid her after that.
I hate how it happened after I left your house at fucking 3am. I thought it might have been on a day that maybe I wouldn't, couldn't have met you. That maybe it happened when I didn't give you enough attention.
I hate how you'd lose something so important to absolutely nothing.

You said you couldn't imagine me emotional. Why are you the one making me cry now?

Yesterday was truly a terrible night. After Shaun and Roy's birthday dinner, sitting around for 2 hours waiting for god-knows-what and everyone getting quiet/annoyed/tired, finally heading to Zouk but too late to enter Phuture.

Paying $25 for Zouk because we'd heard it was RnB after 1am, then finding out it was not so trance the whole fucking night I fuckinghatetrance. Repeatedly so incredibly tempted to go home, extreme frustration, bad results, other things and I was on the verge of crying the whole time.

Reluctantly stayed till 3am when Phuture is supposed to open but in the end they weren't gonna open till 3.30am?

Couldn't decide whether to wait longer since we've already waited so long or just go home because we were so sick of it all.

And then they looked at me and I bit my lip to prevent the tears, still they came but not the torrent I expected.

A trickle and that was it. Course of action?

"You're just feeling numb now aren't you?"

Don't know how I feel. Didn't even cry myself to sleep.

You fucked up.

I'd love to:
Place a message in a bottle. Watch it drift further away from me. And hope I get a reply.
RUN INTO PLATFORM 9 AND 3/4 IN KING'S CROSS STATION!!

Received my bank statement today uh-oh. Fast and furious I whisked it away before my mom happened to notice it. Okay time to sell off my clothes to recoup my losses!

We've all been busy writing our testimonials. GAH it is absolutely horrendous to have to come up with such exaggerations about yourself! It feels so shameless but we've no choice. Gracia's extremely skilled at turning mundane facts into startling stellar qualities about herself.

Civics Tutor: "Some of you have been selected for the Mastery Sessions this term".
Sophie: "Is it just a nicer way of saying Remedial?"
Civics Tutor: "Umm yes".

Right. We're even named the "at risk students". Really! Hahahaha.

Went for my first Mastery (snort) sessions today, they're actually quite helpful. Beats sitting at home where I'm bound to sleep/end up online/engage in some other extremely gratifiying but unproductive activity.

My mom's out painting the town red and I'm at home.. ALevels suck. And I haven't even begun studying yet.

More pictures from France, the scenery really can be beautiful. The water is so achingly blue and clear:




































I'm sure I'll be jealous of my daughter in the future. Aren't mothers?

There she is, brimming with life while I'm in the last chapter of mine. Every day brings something for her, every day takes something from me.


It says "Dear Daddy".

I hate how after I get emotional, I feel embarrassed about it. Like that the outburst wasn't warranted, that maybe I should not have said anything. I hate how I feel stupid after feeling sad, that every problem is just something that can be borne by ignoring it.

I still don't like what happened though.

I didn't pick up the phone because I didn't want to be sobbing to yet another person. Kudos to Jeannie for being on the other end of the line with me and Carmen for being so understanding. And my Mumsie who'll support me all the way although okay her advice was a little over-cautious (:

Anyway I came to my blog and got instantly cheered up by the hilarious on-goings of my tagboard hahaha.

To take my mind off things because I like to get over things quick, pictures from Valentina on Youth Day:












"Yes she's really tall and I am really small". Hahaha.














Peacez outz homiez.

Ugh I'm online to write my JC testimonial myself?! Everyone has to do it themselves and seriously what can we possibly write?

"Sophie is a conscientious and diligent student (snort). She is an active participant in Rhythmic Gymnastics (re-snort), constantly striving to.." errrrr give up.

Anyway kiddingz I didn't actually write that, in fact I haven't even begun. Ugh I regret not being more actively involved in school.
At least in secondary school it was alot easier to be active, school events were handled by students OTHER than prefects. But in JC if you're not in Student/House Council, you're nothing.

And my mid-year exam results are so bad... Safe to assume I'm going to be grounded for eternity. I'm so sad I'm getting very discouraged for ALevels ):